Monday, March 24, 2014

I want to.....just let it go

I know I had a lot of work in hands, I need to do a fucking lesson plan for class tomorrow, maybe do a note or two, creating slides, it just too much work and I had to do it every single night, I mean yeah I like being teacher and prepare all this shit but MTeach is just soul-taking.

I thought it going to be like during my degree years, I can do it, I can take up as much beating, screaming, critising, I'd get that, I love that, I love stressing every night doing a essay due tomorrow.It just what I love to do, last minute work and mountain of essay but Mteach is just so different and I just hate being part of it

The people are okay, I mean most of them are not from uni itself, they tend to complain a lot and although I hate that but somehow I get used to it. The lecturers are more than help, they actually care. However this is not I'm something used to, it just, I'm used to getting abused by our lectures to do work and not being care and we end up slapping each other face and throw insult. I live through that and I enjoyed my lectures being dickhead and actually care for us behind our back. The lecturers I encountered was all nice but I can't just seems to connect to them. I feel they really set the boundary or I set the boundary between them. It's just frustrating, I can't even understand what they want from us. It's just too much!

The school I'm placed to was really strict and they still think Mteach is the same as those who did diploma where we have a whole year to observe other classroom and expect us to be ready to teach class. It's not, we're not being told how to manage class or dealing with student's psychology. If I had it my way I would throw a fit and hit my students. yell at them or even throw their chair but all these unspoken rule about this and that are just stupid. Most of how to handle students come from sharing experience and observation in which I feel it's not enough! I rather spend a whole semester observing classes and teaching in the next term. Throwing a students who have no fucking clue to teach professionally is fucking hard to adapt. Not even afternoon class prepare us for this, most of our work concentrate on our research.

Which what the fuck are they thinking, this is Master by Coursework not by a fucking Research. don't fucking say anything about mini thesis, we had to do a proposal, defense our research to panel, kiss their ass if we had to and do a thesis, I don't know who thought about it but I really want to slap his face with a brick. I mean when they said research I thought it going to be 10 pages research paper and we take few journal as our base research and come out our own topic but they said; "fuck it let just ask them to do REAL research work" I get it we are in Master Level and doing research shouldn't be a big deal for us but it's big deal, we had to focus a lot of thing within A FUCKING YEAR, one year it's just not enough and most master finished their courses withing 1 and half year. You see Mteach is just for someone who either didn't know how it going to pull themselves to deep down to the rabbit hole or a really hardworking person who doesn't mind overwork themselves .

That's just leave bad taste to my mouth and I hate it, if I want to do research I rather taking Master by Research and don't have to worry about clinical work, the fact that the school has little knowledge how Mteach work and almost going to give me 3 classes is just draining my energy, I don't really mind if I had to focus only t teaching itself, the fact that I need to do Research and going to present it by April is just asking whether or not I'm still sane to teach those motherfuckers.

Never knew taking this Master was a bad choice and I'm not even talking about when I was going to Thailand bad choice, because going there give me therapy and feel that I can do something, help somebody and be somebody....I feel that my desperation was finally going away, I have no more to feel very sad every time or feeling like killing myself or asking God why He haven't took my life yet, I was REALLY HAPPY even I had to live with unknown people, but they are nice people. I guess I miss that part, being care, to ask how was I feeling....maybe that's it...I want someone to ask me how I feel and I wish I could just tell them how I feel without being judge or anything, I want to be care of

I'm just not that strong right now, I can feel that darkness when I was depressed before come back to my shoulder, I been depressed before and I thought I can handle another wave but it just getting harder by day. It getting stronger and I had to be stronger than that, everyday was struggle, I love doing work and stressed myself just perhaps being judged by my mentor and my 2 specialist took a great toll on my confidence. I used to being judged on my paper but not my actual practice, especially when it come to communicate with people who's younger than you, it's a different psychology and I need to master that but they don't have it....

For 4 years in Uni I only miss handing my work once but in master I even deliberately miss the due just to get that essence from my lectures yell at me or scream at me why I haven't give the essay.

I was hoping by the time I type this I feel better about know the whole let the feeling off..or even cry a bit but I don't know...I keep staring at the clock seeing I wasted 30 mins typing this. but I just feel.....empty again....I miss talking to my friends, people in my circle...not the people I had to act like I'm not and to be professional all the just ain't living....

you know?


thanks for reading

Sunday, December 30, 2012

just because you are older.....

Since I was young I hate my elder brother to the core, he treated me like a liability and never been a brother at all, for all he did was his own entertainment and wit. I was a bit odd child back then, rarely socialized, lock myself in my room reading comic books rather than talking to my other cousin. I don't really look forward to family reunion or anything similar it just really noisy and I don't feel comfortable. I was playing with my cousin and his friends for the game of hide and seek, it was great, then my brother joined in and ruined it by calling me names and treated me like an ass. It was too hard for me that I went home after they called me a ghost for nothing...eventually left my cousins and friends hiding by themselves and I returned to my isolation area.

My elder brother mistreatment continue through my high school, I was never too close to them as they are more or less like a school star back then and I rather keep mine low-profile. As weird and odd I was in high school, I was quite anti-social and less people thought we are siblings, only close friends and people from our area know. At home I keep myself in my room and rarely talk to my family. How I discovered drawing as way to escape my harsh reality was ironically introduced through comic book my brother gave me. I was completely in my own world when I draw and it was the only thing I thought I have full control.

At this point, I was rather feel secure and satisfy but then my grandmother took insulin for her diabetic condition and the result was devastating. The insulin made her more forgetful and short-tempered, it started parallel to my form 6 year. Her short-tempered put me in miserable position, she took every-mistake as a way to provoke bigger argument blame anyone everything, disobey her unruling command was something that put you into unsettled state of mind. As a result I was depressed for 2 year, it was hard for me to keep a good grades and contain myself, my brother didn't see how miserable I was back then and how hard for me every afternoon and some night have to indulge my grandmother's fury.

But, when he went to UK for his study nothing spell like freedom and relief but it come with price, now that there's no one change the night shift to look after my grandmother, I have to be with her every night. I can't sleep well, I can't study well, my grades was pulling me down and I was blaming my myself and my grandmother when I saw how terrible I got for my A level exam.

for a year I was in Hostel and away from my grandmother's angst, and free from my brother. After he went home, I was happy that he change but I was wrong, he just fill in the home sick he was missing for 2 years and it all went back to him. He was more disrespectful and all he ever think about is himself, he never think about people around him, he never bother what I feel. He never appreciate when I fold his cloth for him, he never seems to bother when I tired and he insisted me to make what ever food he want. When I finally do it for him he will complain that I didn't do it sincerely for him, well excuse me, but shit happened sometimes.

One of thing was when he was asked me to make him a drawing, I never like when people asking me for drawing in real life but I can't avoid him. So I accept and told him I may do it slow since I have a lot of assignments and my exam are getting near, he understood that but he never seems to care. every week I came home he physically harassed me to do his drawing, I can take a yell or two but hit me anywhere on my body is a fucking one thing I can't stand, just because he is my elder brother, that doesn't give you any fucking right to hit me and do your drawing, just because you are the commissioner, it's a breach of my own rights for someone to come on my comfort/workstation area and hit me. He does that every week whenever I came home from my hostel, after a month, I finally finished and gave it to him, but of course he believe in his "customer always right" he asked for more like I'm a god of photoshop, I was still having unfinished assignments and was doing a crucial essay when he asked me that, I was almost at my peeking point to stab someone in the eyes.

Just today, me and my elder brother sitting at the same chair and my aunt asked me to make drinks, so I pushed him away and he hit stomach and gave a big blow to my leg in front of my family, of course I don't take it that seriously as I know he like to blow some steam sometimes, so I ran to the kitchen with my mother. He followed us and shoved me away and I almost made my mother collapsed as he did that, he was screaming at me for being disrespectful and before I could stand my case, my mother was stressed again and I know it was better for me to accept my defeat and let my brother win again. I learned that I will never win any argument in the family so I keep quiet.......

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Naturally surreal

How I should put these in words but when my grandmother passed away yesterday, my mind filled with endless thought, it happened way to fast and I couldn't though the angel Azraiiyl will come sooner.

Before I completely understand the world and filled my though with ignorance, my grandfather on both side of my parent died in the same year when I was 8 years old. Pretty much I was a bit traumatized with it.I remember coming home all of the sudden and saw my aunt and uncle recite their prayer. Wondering why my uncles and cousin clearing out the chairs and tables from the living room. Most of them cried, at that age I was unsure, I couldn't find my grandfather who always lying on the floor. Somehow it come to me that my grandfather no longer here, he is gone forever. I was confused back then, kissing my grandfather cold forehead, the smell of camphor and incense infusing the house for seven days, watching people lower the coffin down and bury him six feet under.

I still have my grandmother on both side, I cherished their presence as the oldest family member. However time and sickness weakened them. When my grandmother took insulin, things started to get worst, during that period I was sitting for my A level examination and for two years I was in state of depression, somehow my friends said it worsen the next two years. My grandmother become easily short-tempered, I had to put extra patience whenever I came to her house (her house was in front of us), since she's only had few granddaughter I always look after her despite how much I loathed to be in that house. I sacrificed my free time and hanging out with my friends so I could return home to look after her while my aunts and mother could have their rest. Even study was not an excuse to not obey her.

My A level result was half way good, I thought I could score better, I've confined myself for weeks and tried not to blame my grandmother for my failure. During the applying for future higher institution I was called up by scholarship department to settle things with foreign university and place to live.When my parent helping me to employ an agent to settle this as the due date are getting closed, my grandmother on father side who spending her last few days in Intensive care and was discharged few days after, passed away. I visited her a day before and watching her cold lifeless body on her bed shattered my mind, I was confused at the same time feel at ease that her suffering came to an end. I felt like God playing with fate telling me not to settle down the scholarship. My entrance to university was the best choice God had to offer me.

My grandmother on my mother side condition getting worse, her sugar become unstable and she was admitted to hospital for lack of sugar. Her sleeping condition was deteriorating, after several weeks I came home from my community outreach programme in Thailand she's become too weak to move out from her bed. Although it become easier to look after her but it's painful to see her condition, she's forgotten that I've been gone for 4 months and rarely talked. Carried her to her bedroom as she feel asleep on the couch was something that tremble my arms, she was not that heavy but my heart race as I slowly lowered her to her bed.

The day when God finally take her away was really something. I went to class with my father and somehow I drive a bit slower and there were plenty of cars that slowed down my acceleration. when we finally reached at the junction to enter my university compound, my dad received a call from my mother, I could hear she was heart broken and my father told me that he need to go back. I didn't know what happened, when my father received the second call, I can hear her crying and somehow my mind filled about my grandmother and father said I should be coming home too.

There was no words of expression, there were no need of confirmation, I was mentally prepared and physically strong to endure the fourth funeral.There was no comfort words, there were no eulogy, they have been through the death of my grandfather, there's no time for remorse. I helped clean up the living room and bathroom, I just do whatever necessary for funeral, I don't need pity, just standing by watching all these people nod in silence, giving their last respect. Everything is the same during my grandfather death but this time I come to an age where death is just natural but surreal. I saw a lifeless skeleton wrapped in thin silk and grisly hair, with the face of tranquility and that was the last image that will engrave to my mind. When night falls, my eyes twitching and dried up, my nose bleed few drops and my stomach long did I forget to feed it?

With the last grandparent left the world and I had no one to look after while my mother visiting family function, I feel I had too much of free time. It's funny that I don't care to use all that time I had to endure my grandmother frustration. It could be a good practice for me when my mother get older and I will be looking after her even I have to go through the same bitter sweet experience.

Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to look after my grandmother through pain and pleasure and end her pain smoothly.

Al-fatihah Hajah Jamilah binti Arsad (died in 3 September 2012) and Haji Abdul Wahab bin Imam Daud (died in 22 September 1998)

May God forgive them and us, comfort their grave and lighten their stay

Saturday, August 25, 2012

some people are rude

When it come to drawing.....I just hate people offline

In reality, few I knew drawing manga/cartoons really well. Some prefer other types of arts, I rarely show my drawing unless the people appreciates it, I don't want wasting my time to impress people that speak lowly of my favourite form of art.

Drawing has been my flesh and blood since I learn how to hold pencils...I never quit drawing as it is my way of escaping some fucked up world. I draw out my feeling every time I draw and hence all my sketches are still kept inside my room for years. Disposing my old drawings means throwing away some part of me. Some people don't really understood my affection and addiction to drawing, I draw like I breadth air, it just naturally flow through my mind and veins.

In the past I don't like taking people request to draw because I will give away what I draw to someone else and never see it again. I rather draw for my mindless self indulgence so I could keep the drawing to myself. I only draw to someone else if I knew the person will appreciate and look after it.

Slowly, I crawl away from my own taboo as more people knew that I could draw well but I rather kept it a secret and lay low. Recently I made a drawing for my friends but tried my best to put any feeling on it so I won't regret it later. The drawings was a birthday gift so I won't be pressured about request and complain.

However, lately I was asked, I repeat ASKED me to draw, I was reluctant at first...but I was pressured was given money upfront to do it. Hence I made the sketch and showed to him but he was being ass telling me I'm better than this and he imagined something far more sophisticated than my own ability can imagine. So I redesigned and to whatever fuckkery he asked for and I decided to take a break from it because I need my "artistic space" but he just being fucktard and told me to it faster. This kind of attitude really slowed down my desire to continue, it's degrading my motivation and just fucked up my own personal space! This is one the reason why I don't like when people asking me to draw something, people keep asking for more, wanted to change this and that and harassing and thrashing my drawing skill (it's not even a critique). Some people don't get it! Some people thinking we drawer are heartless cold drawing machine that fixed everything, we are not some fucking god to do that!




I'm done venting my back to Photoshop and done that piece of shit

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I rather stay at home

I don't like being in the company of my colleagues of COP that we take last semester, personally I don't hold any grudge with them....yes, I experience some irritation and bullshit but I rather not kill someone when we lived together...the chances of getting caught is just too high.

Anyway, on the group mate decided to have sungkai gathering, I rather not join since I don't like going to capital from my home and back again. It's tiresome, I even went out in the morning with mom so I'm not really keen to join. Eventually the one I'm wish not to have any interaction willingly drive me there and even after the sungkai she took me round the capital to Jp that it was my first time to come home around 11.30pm. My mom trusted her as she is a married woman and lived in the same village, furthermore, she's the one driving..I have no objection and responsibility for her fuel.

The sungkai is nice tough, but I don't like when they bitchy with the waiters and laugh out too fucking loud...sometimes I don't engage in the conversation, simply because they talk about shoes, shopping, boyfriends and other stuff that I don't really care. There's only a guy among all of us but he was busy quarrel with other girls.

Among all girls I don't wear heels, make up, proper tudong (I did wear but it was 2 days old) and wore my usual T-shirt and jeans, while they wore...something else fashionable. I did try engaging but you know, their conversation are just to normal and boring. While most of them collecting money to prepare themselves for their future with husband, I collecting money to buy new desktop for my Photoshop enthusiast, like Asus motherboard with Intel core i5 or i5 with SSD for scratch disk and Window 7 Professional as operating system, basically I'm looking for ultimate graphic workstation and by the time I said all this shit, they just said...ahhhh..

I don't have any commitment so far and desperatly looking for one, everthing comes and goes by Allah's will (in other words, I'm just too lazy to look for one) good thing my family is education oriented, so family extension can come out second. But if I don't do good for my degree, I might be force to settle down but nah...still too early hahahah

Somehow I feel like my COP colleagues look down on me for being single with no commitment so far and the fact that I was silent most of the time. I was tired okay! I remember they said that if I have a boyfriend they might thought the world will come to an end. Yeah, me either and pretty sure my mom would roll down the floor and laugh about it.

...and we went Coffee Bean for an hour, spending another hour in shoe shop and came home tired as fuck.

I seriously hope that's the last time we hang up....

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

A fine line

Seriously, I got nothing better to do

I've caught some seasonal flu and it feel terrible, I get pretty dizzy and tired, its a bad start for opening semester >.<

So anyway~  during our long holiday I've been anti-social and busybody at the same time, pretty sure I'm almost at the borderline stalker. Since I no longer have task like I did when I was in student body I has more time to leisure and less work. I've spent my time online, watching movie, adding few extra pound.

Due to my position in the family, I didn't take the pleasure to hang out with my friends nor learn how to drive independently~ so it kind a makes me an antisocial, I didn't protest against my parent wish to confine from over-social, hell, if God gave me scholarship overseas, I will partying like madmen

PARTY HARD!!! Pictures, Images and Photos

Party Hard Pictures, Images and Photos

I love my parent but I rather protest it without their knowing, I was born to be ninja, every little thing that my parent hate to see me doing, I do it privately.

I even lazy enough to greet them in social network, there's something that stop me from doing it, its hard to know and understand between being antisocial and busybody especially a chat between two couples, gawd I feel like I'm eavesdropping someone conversation, I can't help it if it appear on my timeline. I end up being a "phantom" even if I'm not posting anything I just looking at other people post, like a borderline stalker.

That's all I want to talk about~

Friday, July 29, 2011

Have you heard about Cett?

Yes, I do and I heard he doing just fine. Did you know he is still madly in love with his crush?

Really? How bad?

Horrible, Cett can't forget about him and he believe that his relationship with his gf was deteriorated
His gf is such a nice lady, his family know her, they were close. Still, Cett can't stop thinking about him.

Can't he think of another man? Seriously?

I don't know, Cett said that if he keep thinking about him, he will remember how he meant to him...

it's been 2 years and he is still believe that man is his fate of love?

Yup, that how he keeping his faith