Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Naturally surreal

How I should put these in words but when my grandmother passed away yesterday, my mind filled with endless thought, it happened way to fast and I couldn't though the angel Azraiiyl will come sooner.

Before I completely understand the world and filled my though with ignorance, my grandfather on both side of my parent died in the same year when I was 8 years old. Pretty much I was a bit traumatized with it.I remember coming home all of the sudden and saw my aunt and uncle recite their prayer. Wondering why my uncles and cousin clearing out the chairs and tables from the living room. Most of them cried, at that age I was unsure, I couldn't find my grandfather who always lying on the floor. Somehow it come to me that my grandfather no longer here, he is gone forever. I was confused back then, kissing my grandfather cold forehead, the smell of camphor and incense infusing the house for seven days, watching people lower the coffin down and bury him six feet under.

I still have my grandmother on both side, I cherished their presence as the oldest family member. However time and sickness weakened them. When my grandmother took insulin, things started to get worst, during that period I was sitting for my A level examination and for two years I was in state of depression, somehow my friends said it worsen the next two years. My grandmother become easily short-tempered, I had to put extra patience whenever I came to her house (her house was in front of us), since she's only had few granddaughter I always look after her despite how much I loathed to be in that house. I sacrificed my free time and hanging out with my friends so I could return home to look after her while my aunts and mother could have their rest. Even study was not an excuse to not obey her.

My A level result was half way good, I thought I could score better, I've confined myself for weeks and tried not to blame my grandmother for my failure. During the applying for future higher institution I was called up by scholarship department to settle things with foreign university and place to live.When my parent helping me to employ an agent to settle this as the due date are getting closed, my grandmother on father side who spending her last few days in Intensive care and was discharged few days after, passed away. I visited her a day before and watching her cold lifeless body on her bed shattered my mind, I was confused at the same time feel at ease that her suffering came to an end. I felt like God playing with fate telling me not to settle down the scholarship. My entrance to university was the best choice God had to offer me.

My grandmother on my mother side condition getting worse, her sugar become unstable and she was admitted to hospital for lack of sugar. Her sleeping condition was deteriorating, after several weeks I came home from my community outreach programme in Thailand she's become too weak to move out from her bed. Although it become easier to look after her but it's painful to see her condition, she's forgotten that I've been gone for 4 months and rarely talked. Carried her to her bedroom as she feel asleep on the couch was something that tremble my arms, she was not that heavy but my heart race as I slowly lowered her to her bed.

The day when God finally take her away was really something. I went to class with my father and somehow I drive a bit slower and there were plenty of cars that slowed down my acceleration. when we finally reached at the junction to enter my university compound, my dad received a call from my mother, I could hear she was heart broken and my father told me that he need to go back. I didn't know what happened, when my father received the second call, I can hear her crying and somehow my mind filled about my grandmother and father said I should be coming home too.

There was no words of expression, there were no need of confirmation, I was mentally prepared and physically strong to endure the fourth funeral.There was no comfort words, there were no eulogy, they have been through the death of my grandfather, there's no time for remorse. I helped clean up the living room and bathroom, I just do whatever necessary for funeral, I don't need pity, just standing by watching all these people nod in silence, giving their last respect. Everything is the same during my grandfather death but this time I come to an age where death is just natural but surreal. I saw a lifeless skeleton wrapped in thin silk and grisly hair, with the face of tranquility and that was the last image that will engrave to my mind. When night falls, my eyes twitching and dried up, my nose bleed few drops and my stomach long did I forget to feed it?

With the last grandparent left the world and I had no one to look after while my mother visiting family function, I feel I had too much of free time. It's funny that I don't care to use all that time I had to endure my grandmother frustration. It could be a good practice for me when my mother get older and I will be looking after her even I have to go through the same bitter sweet experience.

Thank you God for giving me this opportunity to look after my grandmother through pain and pleasure and end her pain smoothly.

Al-fatihah Hajah Jamilah binti Arsad (died in 3 September 2012) and Haji Abdul Wahab bin Imam Daud (died in 22 September 1998)

May God forgive them and us, comfort their grave and lighten their stay