Monday, March 24, 2014

I want to.....just let it go

I know I had a lot of work in hands, I need to do a fucking lesson plan for class tomorrow, maybe do a note or two, creating slides, it just too much work and I had to do it every single night, I mean yeah I like being teacher and prepare all this shit but MTeach is just soul-taking.

I thought it going to be like during my degree years, I can do it, I can take up as much beating, screaming, critising, I'd get that, I love that, I love stressing every night doing a essay due tomorrow.It just what I love to do, last minute work and mountain of essay but Mteach is just so different and I just hate being part of it

The people are okay, I mean most of them are not from uni itself, they tend to complain a lot and although I hate that but somehow I get used to it. The lecturers are more than help, they actually care. However this is not I'm something used to, it just, I'm used to getting abused by our lectures to do work and not being care and we end up slapping each other face and throw insult. I live through that and I enjoyed my lectures being dickhead and actually care for us behind our back. The lecturers I encountered was all nice but I can't just seems to connect to them. I feel they really set the boundary or I set the boundary between them. It's just frustrating, I can't even understand what they want from us. It's just too much!

The school I'm placed to was really strict and they still think Mteach is the same as those who did diploma where we have a whole year to observe other classroom and expect us to be ready to teach class. It's not, we're not being told how to manage class or dealing with student's psychology. If I had it my way I would throw a fit and hit my students. yell at them or even throw their chair but all these unspoken rule about this and that are just stupid. Most of how to handle students come from sharing experience and observation in which I feel it's not enough! I rather spend a whole semester observing classes and teaching in the next term. Throwing a students who have no fucking clue to teach professionally is fucking hard to adapt. Not even afternoon class prepare us for this, most of our work concentrate on our research.

Which what the fuck are they thinking, this is Master by Coursework not by a fucking Research. don't fucking say anything about mini thesis, we had to do a proposal, defense our research to panel, kiss their ass if we had to and do a thesis, I don't know who thought about it but I really want to slap his face with a brick. I mean when they said research I thought it going to be 10 pages research paper and we take few journal as our base research and come out our own topic but they said; "fuck it let just ask them to do REAL research work" I get it we are in Master Level and doing research shouldn't be a big deal for us but it's big deal, we had to focus a lot of thing within A FUCKING YEAR, one year it's just not enough and most master finished their courses withing 1 and half year. You see Mteach is just for someone who either didn't know how it going to pull themselves to deep down to the rabbit hole or a really hardworking person who doesn't mind overwork themselves .

That's just leave bad taste to my mouth and I hate it, if I want to do research I rather taking Master by Research and don't have to worry about clinical work, the fact that the school has little knowledge how Mteach work and almost going to give me 3 classes is just draining my energy, I don't really mind if I had to focus only t teaching itself, the fact that I need to do Research and going to present it by April is just asking whether or not I'm still sane to teach those motherfuckers.

Never knew taking this Master was a bad choice and I'm not even talking about when I was going to Thailand bad choice, because going there give me therapy and feel that I can do something, help somebody and be somebody....I feel that my desperation was finally going away, I have no more to feel very sad every time or feeling like killing myself or asking God why He haven't took my life yet, I was REALLY HAPPY even I had to live with unknown people, but they are nice people. I guess I miss that part, being care, to ask how was I feeling....maybe that's it...I want someone to ask me how I feel and I wish I could just tell them how I feel without being judge or anything, I want to be care of

I'm just not that strong right now, I can feel that darkness when I was depressed before come back to my shoulder, I been depressed before and I thought I can handle another wave but it just getting harder by day. It getting stronger and I had to be stronger than that, everyday was struggle, I love doing work and stressed myself just perhaps being judged by my mentor and my 2 specialist took a great toll on my confidence. I used to being judged on my paper but not my actual practice, especially when it come to communicate with people who's younger than you, it's a different psychology and I need to master that but they don't have it....

For 4 years in Uni I only miss handing my work once but in master I even deliberately miss the due just to get that essence from my lectures yell at me or scream at me why I haven't give the essay.

I was hoping by the time I type this I feel better about know the whole let the feeling off..or even cry a bit but I don't know...I keep staring at the clock seeing I wasted 30 mins typing this. but I just feel.....empty again....I miss talking to my friends, people in my circle...not the people I had to act like I'm not and to be professional all the just ain't living....

you know?


thanks for reading