Sunday, December 30, 2012

just because you are older.....

Since I was young I hate my elder brother to the core, he treated me like a liability and never been a brother at all, for all he did was his own entertainment and wit. I was a bit odd child back then, rarely socialized, lock myself in my room reading comic books rather than talking to my other cousin. I don't really look forward to family reunion or anything similar it just really noisy and I don't feel comfortable. I was playing with my cousin and his friends for the game of hide and seek, it was great, then my brother joined in and ruined it by calling me names and treated me like an ass. It was too hard for me that I went home after they called me a ghost for nothing...eventually left my cousins and friends hiding by themselves and I returned to my isolation area.

My elder brother mistreatment continue through my high school, I was never too close to them as they are more or less like a school star back then and I rather keep mine low-profile. As weird and odd I was in high school, I was quite anti-social and less people thought we are siblings, only close friends and people from our area know. At home I keep myself in my room and rarely talk to my family. How I discovered drawing as way to escape my harsh reality was ironically introduced through comic book my brother gave me. I was completely in my own world when I draw and it was the only thing I thought I have full control.

At this point, I was rather feel secure and satisfy but then my grandmother took insulin for her diabetic condition and the result was devastating. The insulin made her more forgetful and short-tempered, it started parallel to my form 6 year. Her short-tempered put me in miserable position, she took every-mistake as a way to provoke bigger argument blame anyone everything, disobey her unruling command was something that put you into unsettled state of mind. As a result I was depressed for 2 year, it was hard for me to keep a good grades and contain myself, my brother didn't see how miserable I was back then and how hard for me every afternoon and some night have to indulge my grandmother's fury.

But, when he went to UK for his study nothing spell like freedom and relief but it come with price, now that there's no one change the night shift to look after my grandmother, I have to be with her every night. I can't sleep well, I can't study well, my grades was pulling me down and I was blaming my myself and my grandmother when I saw how terrible I got for my A level exam.

for a year I was in Hostel and away from my grandmother's angst, and free from my brother. After he went home, I was happy that he change but I was wrong, he just fill in the home sick he was missing for 2 years and it all went back to him. He was more disrespectful and all he ever think about is himself, he never think about people around him, he never bother what I feel. He never appreciate when I fold his cloth for him, he never seems to bother when I tired and he insisted me to make what ever food he want. When I finally do it for him he will complain that I didn't do it sincerely for him, well excuse me, but shit happened sometimes.

One of thing was when he was asked me to make him a drawing, I never like when people asking me for drawing in real life but I can't avoid him. So I accept and told him I may do it slow since I have a lot of assignments and my exam are getting near, he understood that but he never seems to care. every week I came home he physically harassed me to do his drawing, I can take a yell or two but hit me anywhere on my body is a fucking one thing I can't stand, just because he is my elder brother, that doesn't give you any fucking right to hit me and do your drawing, just because you are the commissioner, it's a breach of my own rights for someone to come on my comfort/workstation area and hit me. He does that every week whenever I came home from my hostel, after a month, I finally finished and gave it to him, but of course he believe in his "customer always right" he asked for more like I'm a god of photoshop, I was still having unfinished assignments and was doing a crucial essay when he asked me that, I was almost at my peeking point to stab someone in the eyes.

Just today, me and my elder brother sitting at the same chair and my aunt asked me to make drinks, so I pushed him away and he hit stomach and gave a big blow to my leg in front of my family, of course I don't take it that seriously as I know he like to blow some steam sometimes, so I ran to the kitchen with my mother. He followed us and shoved me away and I almost made my mother collapsed as he did that, he was screaming at me for being disrespectful and before I could stand my case, my mother was stressed again and I know it was better for me to accept my defeat and let my brother win again. I learned that I will never win any argument in the family so I keep quiet.......